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Author: Kaya Lindsay

How to Not Fight With Your Partner at The Crag

June 15, 2021July 20, 2021Outdoor Adventure, Stories Kaya Lindsay

Fellow climbers, we’ve all been there. Snapping at your partner for not giving you a tight enough belay, getting frustrated at the anchors when you’re belaying from above, trying to be encouraging when somehow you only start an argument. For some reason climbing with your significant other can lead to tense arguments that make you and everyone else at the crag uncomfortable. Why is this? It’s hard to say. Maybe it’s the high-stress environment, or maybe it’s being too close to your partner’s emotions. Whatever the reason, I have compiled a list of things that you can do to keep from turning a nice day at the crag into a screaming match with your significant other!

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**Make a plan before you leave the ground**

Who is going to clean the anchor? Decide before you leave the ground. How does that knot look? Check before you leave the ground. How tight of a belay do you like? Make sure you communicate that before you start climbing. Confusion and disagreement are really challenging things to navigate when you’re 30-100 feet away from each other. Don’t spend time shouting your needs all along the length of the climb, make sure you have that figured out before you start climbing.

Use clear and concise climbing commands

Avoid long sentences and clarifying questions. Say “On belay”, “Off belay”, “Take”, “Slack”, “Climbing” and “On you”. These are the most basic commands, but if you need to communicate something more complicated, use short and easily understood commands. One of my favorite phrases when I can’t understand my partner is “Say again?” When you try to shout long sentences such as “I can’t hear you because of the wind! Can you repeat that please?” It sounds like garbled nothingness to the climber/belayer. A good rule of thumb is that the climber has the “right of way” when giving commands, as the belayer, let them interrupt you if they need to and do your best to comply with their commands.

Give an attentive belay

Climbing is hard, and scary, and when your loved one is high above the ground confronting their personal demons and the concept of their own mortality, you better be paying attention to your end of the rope. Don’t stand around and chat with your friends, don’t pet the dog, and for god’s sake don’t let a loop of rope pile up on the ground. You should also know your weight differences and what kind of catch to give your partner. If you’re really small, you want to keep that rope as tight as possible. If you happen to be 50+ pounds heavier than your partner, you want to give a bit of a softer catch. But again, communicate all of this before you leave the ground.

Use positive and encouraging language

One of my favorite questions to ask someone before I’ve climbed with them is “What kind of encouragement do you like? Do you like cheerleader belay or a silent belay?” When someone says they want a silent belay, I clam up until they’ve clipped the chains. When someone says they like a cheerleader belay I focus on them and say things like, “I’m with you!” and “You’ve got this!” Again, communicate all of this before you leave the ground.

Don’t give beta unless asked

This is a biggie. I see this as specifically a problem for couples who have large body differences. If you are a large man with big hands, it is not helpful to tell your small partner to “make a fist” when trying to pull the crux. Inversely, if you have tiny hands and your larger partner is struggling, it doesn help to say “just get your fingers in there”. Never give beta unless specifically asked. Spraying at your partner will make them frustrated, particularly if your beta won’t work for them.

Remember, you both love each other–and climbing!

This sport can bring up a lot of emotions, and working through them with a climbing partner can be rewarding and wonderful. You love climbing, you love your partner, try to remember that and have patience when things get sticky.

What did we miss? Anything else about climbing with your significant other that can help prevent fights? Let us know down in the comments!

Climbing, communication, crag life, Dirtbag Dreams, dirtbag lifestyle

About the Gear Tester

Outdoor Prolink Pro

Kaya Lindsay

Kaya Lindsay is a writer, photographer, and filmmaker with a passion for rock climbing and the outdoors.

In 2016 she converted a Sprinter Van into a tiny home and has been traveling around the US & Canada to pursue her passion for rock climbing. Since hitting the road she has begun a career in filmmaking and is currently working on her One Chick Travels series, highlighting solo female travelers who live and work to pursue an adventurous lifestyle. Her films have been highlighted by major brands such as Backcountry and Outside TV. To fulfill her passion for writing, she chronicles her many adventures in her blog. Professionally, she writes for the adventure sports company Outdoor Prolink and The Climbing Zine. Kaya hopes to spend many more years in her tiny home on wheels, Lyra, and is currently living in Moab Utah.